I had a f$%k!*@ flashback.

For crissakes, I thought I was done with these. Apparently, I’m not.

Last night I was baking four dozen of my mini triple chocolate chip cupcakes. I had been on my feet for awhile and the monotony of frosting and decorating them apparently let my brain flow freely. All of a sudden- BANG- I’m in the little examining room in the L&D wing of the hospital I was born in, my mom to the left of my feet, a nurse to the right of midsection, and a male radiologist firmly moving an ultrasound wand over my 20 weeks pregnant still belly. All he did was stare at the screen (of which I couldn’t really see, I assume on purpose) and take measurements with his left hand. He didn’t say. A. Word. Not one. For what felt like 20 minutes. I wish I knew how long it truly was. I clearly remember thinking that this isn’t brain surgery, you either see a heartbeat or you don’t, so WHAT in the FUCK are you doing over there, dear sir? WHY are you not telling me what you are seeing? Are you that much of a pussy that you can’t tell me already, why are you doing this to me? Haven’t you been in these situations before? I truly can not be your first dead baby ultrasound, right? Don’t they teach you what to say in these situations?

Apparently he did eventually say something to me, because I tried bargaining with him. “But, you don’t understand…see, this was my 8th IVF. These things don’t happen to people who suffered through 8 IVFs. Not to mention the egg was from a healthy and fertile young donor. Again, in situations like this, babies don’t die. So fix it.”

And then- BANG- I’m back in my kitchen, holding a knife smothered in Betty Crocker milk chocolate frosting in my right hand and an itty bitty cupcake in my left one. Just like that.

Let me tell you, this dead baby shit is hard. Damn fucking fucking shit hard.

I’ve been so much better, really to terms with it (I won’t say “at peace” with it because I don’t think one ever is.) Yes yes, of course, I’m thrilled that I have two perfect and wonderful biological children sleeping in the room next door, but this was still a baby, a person, that I let down. He was SOMEone.

That fucking examining room. That fucking silent radiologist. My poor, poor sweet little D.I.J.

I’m so sorry my body failed you, that I failed you. I love you so much, my sweets. As do your little brother and sister.

___________
So guess what? It’s March 17th. The anniversary of the experience I just described above is in exactly seven days. He died March 24, 2009. Perhaps that’s why I had this flashback…I knew there was a reason I abhorred March. I can’t believe it’s been three years. How is that even possible?

Comments

[i love you, sunshine!]

Wow, that was such a powerful post. i'm right there in the moment with you. i understand your grief in a new way. so sorry, sweetie. love you!

[MLHB]

We've all suffered some sort of IF trauma but your loss is more severe (in my opinion). How can you NOT have flashbacks/triggers from time to time? But remember, NOT having flash backs doesn't dishonor DIJ in anyway! Sometimes I walk into my bathroom and the smell of the toilet bowl cleaner reminds me of the cleaners they must have used to clean the bathrooms at the clinic. I hate that smell. I've tried covering it up with plug-ins and candles and changing brands of cleaners but eventually, the smell creeps back in & triggers a flood of memories from crinkling paper on the exam table, to stinging burn of Follistim injections or the weird taste I get in my mouth, as I fall asleep, from the mix of oxygen & anesthesia. that's IF. It's a fucking bitch that comes out to haunt us when we least expect it.

[mash]

So sorry. So very sorry.

[Sara]

Post traumatic stress -- that was an event that shook you (and would anybody) to their core. There are no words for losing a baby and that grief does not just disappear. You have come a long way, but it is ok to remember him. What happened is not your fault -- some of that you need to let go. Big hugs!

[Cassie]

I'm very sorry. I can't imagine that pain, and know that even your precious babies can't make up for the loss that you suffered. Hopefully it will get somewhat easier as more time passes. Hugs.

[Candace]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I knew your anniversary must be coming up because mine was a few weeks ago. We lost Benjamin 3/5/09. I have had major flashbacks in the last few weeks. Back to the room where I was hospitalized for a week at 19 weeks. Back to the room in L&D where I was before they took me in for my emergency c-section. It sucks. I just hope they go away soon for both of us.

(candaceb from ivfc)

[soulshine]

i think it most likely had to do with his anniversary.
your mind is smarter than just coincidence.

i hope that there will be a time when you can remember DIJ with the pure, unadultered love of a mother, and have it not be so mixed in with the traumatic things that happened to you and your body. he had a real life, and i know you loved him, because just like you said, women who got thru 8 ivfs and finally get pregnant do not NOT love their babies.

it is very difficut to free yourself from the guilt when your baby dies in your body. it goes against everything about being a mother, being the vessel in which they grew. it is an normal conclusion that you would feel as if you failed him. you did not fail him sunshine. you know what failed him? it was the imperfection of biology, the little deletions that cause celiac, and the cruel and unfair natural world. you did not fail him, all you did was love him, and want him.

something that you can do when you get these flashbacks that come out of nowhere... the upsetting ones that focus on the trauma... try to end them with a very conscious thought about how you love DIJ. and underline it with a supportive thought about yourself- you are a good mother, and you are a good person. i really feel that this will help for the next time you are hit with guilt and sad memories...

thinking of you.

[Maria]

Hi,

My name is Knoll Maria and I am a graduate student at Bar-Ilan University Information Science Department in Israel. For my final project, I am examining anonymity and self-disclosure in infertility blogs. The target population of the study are women bloggers who were or are going through infertility treatments and also blog about their experience. I am kindly inviting you to participate in this research study by completing the attached survey.

The following questionnaire will require approximately 5 minutes to complete. Your response is very important to me. Your informed consent to participate in this survey is assumed by completing the survey and by submitting it. Participation is strictly voluntary and you may refuse to participate at any time. A copy of the results will be sent to you, if you choose so.

Thank you for taking the time to assist me in my educational endeavors. If you require additional information or have questions, please contact by email.
Click here to fill out the survey: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dHY0SC1wT0lHeEFqOGdZN3pXT3p3aHc6MQ