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i love you, sunshine!

Wow, that was such a powerful post. i'm right there in the moment with you. i understand your grief in a new way. so sorry, sweetie. love you!


We've all suffered some sort of IF trauma but your loss is more severe (in my opinion). How can you NOT have flashbacks/triggers from time to time? But remember, NOT having flash backs doesn't dishonor DIJ in anyway! Sometimes I walk into my bathroom and the smell of the toilet bowl cleaner reminds me of the cleaners they must have used to clean the bathrooms at the clinic. I hate that smell. I've tried covering it up with plug-ins and candles and changing brands of cleaners but eventually, the smell creeps back in & triggers a flood of memories from crinkling paper on the exam table, to stinging burn of Follistim injections or the weird taste I get in my mouth, as I fall asleep, from the mix of oxygen & anesthesia. that's IF. It's a fucking bitch that comes out to haunt us when we least expect it.


So sorry. So very sorry.


Post traumatic stress -- that was an event that shook you (and would anybody) to their core. There are no words for losing a baby and that grief does not just disappear. You have come a long way, but it is ok to remember him. What happened is not your fault -- some of that you need to let go. Big hugs!


I'm very sorry. I can't imagine that pain, and know that even your precious babies can't make up for the loss that you suffered. Hopefully it will get somewhat easier as more time passes. Hugs.


I'm so sorry you're going through this. I knew your anniversary must be coming up because mine was a few weeks ago. We lost Benjamin 3/5/09. I have had major flashbacks in the last few weeks. Back to the room where I was hospitalized for a week at 19 weeks. Back to the room in L&D where I was before they took me in for my emergency c-section. It sucks. I just hope they go away soon for both of us.

(candaceb from ivfc)


i think it most likely had to do with his anniversary.
your mind is smarter than just coincidence.

i hope that there will be a time when you can remember DIJ with the pure, unadultered love of a mother, and have it not be so mixed in with the traumatic things that happened to you and your body. he had a real life, and i know you loved him, because just like you said, women who got thru 8 ivfs and finally get pregnant do not NOT love their babies.

it is very difficut to free yourself from the guilt when your baby dies in your body. it goes against everything about being a mother, being the vessel in which they grew. it is an normal conclusion that you would feel as if you failed him. you did not fail him sunshine. you know what failed him? it was the imperfection of biology, the little deletions that cause celiac, and the cruel and unfair natural world. you did not fail him, all you did was love him, and want him.

something that you can do when you get these flashbacks that come out of nowhere... the upsetting ones that focus on the trauma... try to end them with a very conscious thought about how you love DIJ. and underline it with a supportive thought about yourself- you are a good mother, and you are a good person. i really feel that this will help for the next time you are hit with guilt and sad memories...

thinking of you.



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