Yep, I’m still here and I still indeed have random thoughts that float through my head. So, here’s a couple.
First of all, guess what I did last night? For some reason, the mood struck me and I was ready, finally finally ready, to clean out the contacts in my phone. I have no idea what took me so long. Well, I might have a small idea (more on that below.) I took Mrs. Sarah’s advice and wrote down all those precious direct lines and emails of nurses and doctors in a plethora of IVF clinics around the country that I had accrued over the five years. I also had direct lines to three different fertility medication specialty pharmacies, a couple of donor egg liens and two adoption agencies in there. Also random women I had gotten to know at the beginning but they had moved on and I was (always) left behind, I deleted all of them because we hadn’t spoken in years. It felt good.
I also had to start getting rid of potentially dangerous things in shelves and cabinets around the house because the babies can open everything. I need space so I finally decided to face IT. IT being a drawer of paperwork, all neatly organized and filed, that I had kept in an easily accessible spot because I was always using it. I had three envelopes of medical receipts, a huge packet of adoption information, three files of DE stuff and tons and tons and TONS of surrogacy information, lawyer contracts and info, receipts from when Kelly was pregnant, the list goes on and on. What do I do with these things? I looked through and saw at least five different fax cover letters of me requesting things or needing things to be done, and I completely remembered everything that was going on at the time I wrote those. All those receipts and spreadsheets….all that WORK. So much fucking WORK. DH looked at it, made a face and said throw everything out. But I just couldn’t. I threw out all the adoption information and packets but everything else I put in a bag and put it next to the three plastic containers of medical records and files I have in my attic. It’s unbelievable the amount of paperwork, insurance claims and communications, medical information, etc that I have up there. Not to mention a huge plastic bag still of meds and needles. I need to just chuck it all.
So, did I tell you guys that I am part of my local Mothers of Multiples group? It’s one of the largest ones with 250 people and over 600 children. I’m pretty active and I have gotten so much out of it. Anyway, next month is our annual tag sale that is huge and pretty famous. I decided I finally know what to do with the enormous trash bag of maternity clothes I have up in the attic- I’m going to sell it. Look, even if I were to get pregnant again there is no way I’d wear the same clothing I wore while pregnant with DIG. No thanks. So, heck, if I can make a few bucks, fantastic. The issue was that I had to actually go through everything, look at each item, decide how much to charge and then tag it. I just said to myself, “eff it- just go up there, do it and get this over with.” So I dumped everything out and made my way through. I only cried once, at the black dress I wore to my nephew’s birthday party because it was so exciting, everyone finally got to see me pregnant, we took a ton of pictures and it was great. That was tough. But, I got through it.
Anyway, back to the M.O.M. club. Guess who is the upcoming co-president starting in June? Yup, yours truly. I was recruited because I’m involved and very open and sociable and organized, and I said sure. I’m also very friendly with the other co-president and most of the board. So, let’s just look at this for a moment: I went from the most extreme infertile to president of the Mothers of Multiples local chapter. Weird, right? So, that brings me to my cell phone. Since accepting the role I’ve already inputted a number of new contacts in my phone, and it’s only going to grow. I decided I really needed to prune that list, and once and for all stop scrolling by all the “Cornell” entries whenever I am in the “C’s.” That’s it- it’s time. So that’s what I did last night. Buh bye IF contacts and hello twin mom contacts. Nice, right?
Ok- donor egg. How do I feel, and what do I feel, and do I still think about the fact that these kids are our biological children? I wish I could say I don’t really think about it because I don’t want someone reading this who is going to do or has done DE to take it the wrong way, but I’ve always been truthful with you guys so…YES. I think about it every day probably, thoughts that a regular old Fertile wouldn’t even dream of having. Yes, I think about it and yes I appreciate like crazy how “lucky” we are that they are bio ours. And every single time- EVERY SINGLE TIME- someone, anyone, a stranger or my best friend, remarks about how one of them looks like us, I still say a little prayer and am so incredibly fucking grateful that I just heard that sentence and I never ever take it for granted. Ever. Not once. I wonder if I won’t think about it one day? Like, when they are 10 years old and their teacher remarks how Princess’ eyes look just like mine, will I still do the Thankful Dance in my head? I just can’t get over how our story turned out. I still can’t. I just can’t.
Other people doing IVF: It’s crazy how many people are still in the thick of this shit. I definitely don’t talk about it as much as before, but it’s still always there. It’s still always brought up into conversations. For example: I injured my knee and haven’t been able to dance or workout for two months until this week. I finally tried attending one of my dance classes and I had to bring the babies with me. My friend at the front desk mentioned that I should get a doctor’s note and I’ll get reimbursed the two months I missed, and I was elated she told me! I pointed at the babies and said something like, “ Hey, every bit counts! 11 IVFs for these kiddos wasn’t cheap!” It just rolls of the tongue, so obvious and no big deal (my friend knew about the IVFs and randomly she also has Celiac disease and was so sick she almost needed a bone marrow transplant because she was so anemic from unknowingly having Celiac. On the other hand, she has seven children. So the malnourishment affected her blood whereas for me it affected my ovaries.)
I’d say at least once or twice a month I’ll get a random Facebook message from someone I haven’t spoken to in years, asking if I wouldn’t mind speaking to one of her friends who is going through IF/thinking about surrogacy/wants to come to NY to try a doctor here, etc. I never say no, I never will. So, if someone comes seeking me to discuss IF I’m 100% happy and honored to do so, but I don’t go out and seek it myself, ie I haven’t been on IVFC in months and month, and I have no desire to go there. Thank goodness it exists though, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through without it.
“Gut friends.” That’s a name I made up. I’ve made a ton of new, great friends since the babies were born, but….it’s just not the same. I need to touch base with a Gut Friend now and then- I call them that because they know my gut. We were in the trenches together, went through unspeakable horrors together, and we just get each other. I need them. We had a nice first birthday party for the babies and I remember looking around the room at all my new, great friends, but my eyes kept going back to one of my dearest IF friends from the past four years (who also randomly has boy/girl twins via a GC) and I remember wishing everyone would disappear for a few minutes so I could sit there and breathe with her and really appreciate the moment. Only SHE would understand what I was thinking in my head, what I was going through. Anyway, I called her the next day and I went out to visit her yesterday, and now it feels great. I need to touch bases with people like her more often, we will always be a part of each other’s lives.
On a final, happy note: Remember our first surro, let’s call her Whitney? Well, about two years ago I introduced her to one of my long distance IF friends that I met via IVFC. We became very close even though I have yet to meet her in real life! I introduced them on a whim because my friend mentioned she may want to look into surrogacy at some point. Anyway, Whitney and my friend clicked and became friends for the past two years, and now my friend’s doctor actually IS recommending surrogacy and voila, Whiney said of course she’d do it! So, after two years these two matched each other and a FET is scheduled for next month. Holy cow! They are so grateful and profess their love to me over Faceook all the time (awww) and I love being a part of this, something happy and wonderful! I’m crossing everything for them.
Well, this was pretty long but that’s ok. I’ve decided I am going to keep this blog and probably do what I just did here- have a marathon post every month or so. I want to thank those of you who reached out to check on me (apologies for not writing back yet!!) and I truly hope this blog is still reaching out and helping others.