I know, I know, I’m a total blog slacker. I suppose I’ve become that stereotypical IF blogger who crossed over and now has limited time on the computer. I really don’t want this blog to become one of those Ghost Blogs where the owner just disappears, so I’m trying, I’m trying.
So, something switched in me when they turned nine months old last month. It’s a very tangible, solid shift. All of a sudden so much more became clear to me, I understand the maternal language that I felt so disjointed from when they were first born. The babies have become FUN. They are delicious and yummy and hysterical and simply FUN. I now can understand what all those bloggers out there wrote about after their baby was born, all those examples I wrote about on here those first few months that I totally didn’t understand or comprehend. One distinctly stands out in my head- a mom was saying how she went in to check on her son in the middle of the night, and part of her was willing her son to wake up so they could hang out for a little bit. I remember reading this (and writing on here) that a concept like that seemed absolutely ridiculous to me. You are with your baby all day long, he is sleeping soundly, you are getting a break and much needed rest yourself, what the hell could she possibly be thinking? I also remember being a little jealous of her and how strongly she felt about her child. I just didn’t get it, because frankly, I didn’t feel that way about my children.
But, now I do. I so, so do. There have been times that I stick my head in their crib while they are sleeping to try and breathe in their exhaled breath, and hoping they will open their eyes so we can have a moment or two together. And yes, this is in the middle of the night. What changed? Why can’t I get enough of them? Who knows. Maybe some of it has to do with their age and how cute and funny and playful they are now. We can sit and actually play together and I laugh like I’ve never laughed before. I’m totally happy just sitting on the playmat with them and seeing what they’ll do next. I can’t even imagine what it will be like when they can actually talk back and respond to the questions and statements I’m always saying to them.
Princess is only starting to crawl a little now and Peanut is getting there, so it’s easy with them not being quite so mobile yet. I know it will get so much harder once they are going in two different directions. I used to dread that, dread seeing how much harder things can get with my other twin mom friends, but now I don’t. Sure, I’m nervous about how I’ll handle being outnumbered, but I’m also excited to see them change and mature. I just get it now, I get why being a mom is so cool. It’s been a huge eye opener for me, and I am a little jealous of women who always had this realization, who didn’t have to go through such a learning process, and were able to appreciate their babies the moment they were born.
On another note, I officially have no more ties with Dallas or the clinic down there. We transferred our frozen embryos to the SIRM in New York so I wouldn’t have to pay two annual storage fees. I have to say, I got a little teary eyed when I made the call. I mean, that’s it. All the blood, sweat, tears and hopes I poured into Texas is officially over. In a good way, of course, but it was still a little odd. A similar but not exactly the same feeling when I donated my frozens from the DEJ cycle back to Cornell. And lastly, our contract is almost ready to go on the donor/donor embryos we are donating to another couple. And then, that’s it- we cleaned house. Man, that was a lot of work creating all those embryos. I am so fucking thankful it’s all behind us now. So fucking thankful.