Lately I’ve been finding myself thinking back to the early days with the twins, and how I felt about them. I really was distancing myself from them- not on purpose, but I think I just didn’t know how to process everything. I was also really nervous that I was going to do something wrong. I still kind of feel that way, actually. But there are a few things I wrote that I totally feel the complete opposite these days. For example, I remember reading in someone else’s blog that even at 2 am when her son was fussing, she didn’t want to put him back down after he was quiet. I blogged about how I just couldn’t understand that concept- you are with him ALL day! You see him and play with him ALL day, don’t you want the night time hours for you, for you to sleep? But now I can understand this frame of mind. I’ll go in their room after I get out of the shower to check on them before I go to sleep, and it’s one of my favorite times of the days. And, yes, there is a small part of me that wishes one of them would stir just a teensy tiny bit so we could have a few moments together. I can totally understand the concept of wanting one of them wake up and I have to quiet them down. But, I also think it is SO DIFFERENT when you have two. You are always thinking in the back of your head- well, as much as I would love a little moment with Peanut, there is a chance that he may wake up Princess and then I’m dealing with two babies at whatever time it is, and I would have been better off just letting them be. It’s hard.
I also get the whole “missing your kids” concept now. Months ago I blogged about how at the time, I just couldn’t get how moms miss their kids when they go to the grocery store or do other errands for a few hours. I was like- huh? Again, you are with them all the time, isn’t it nice to have some time away? Well, now, seven months in, I can see how both ideas are true, it doesn’t have to be one or other, it’s not that extreme. Yes, I absolutely love when I can get out and run errands by myself (although it is never ever relaxing, as the clock is always ticking and I find myself driving really fast to get to Point A and Point B. It stresses me out.) But by the time I pull into my driveway I am bouncing out of my car to get inside and see what the kids are up to. I hope they are awake so I can snoorgle with them. Sometimes, I actually feel an ache in my chest when it’s been too long. It’s like an actual, physical feeling. And to be perfectly honest, it reminds me of when I was going through IF- it’s that same physical manifestation of a mental feeling. It even feels similar, like my heart hurts. I just think it’s so interesting in that the feelings are for two polar opposite reasons, yet feel so similar. You’d think those two feelings would feel different, but nope.
Princess is extremely generous with her smiles and laughs, and sometimes when she is giving me crazy smiles I can’t even stand it, I can’t believe these smiles are for ME.
On a totally different note- it’s done, my DIJ embryos are no longer mine. I received the requested letter from Cornell confirming that the embryos are gone, or “disposed,” since it was an Embryo Disposition. The unopened letter sat on my desk for a week, I just wasn’t ready to open it. I finally did it today, and it’s just a short, concise, four paragraph letter. Of course, all the words ran together because I started crying. Damn it already, it’s amazing how fast the tears come on when I think of this!
It may be more raw because…August 15th is around the corner. I hated even writing that date. I hate seeing it. I drew my breath in when the calendar changed to August. Yes, I still have a very visceral reaction to that date, DIJ’s due date. He would have been two years old next week.
More on that later….