As of July 9th, my three little embryos that have been chilling at Cornell are no longer the legal property of mine and DH’s. We donated them back to Cornell for scientific research. I found out today that July 9th was the last date they were ours. I asked the lady to send me some sort of form confirming that, and she said the form basically explains that we are no longer responsible for the storage costs. I felt a little empty after that phone call. We had so much of our lives tied up into those embryos, and to know that one made it and I carried it for 5 months makes them even more special. That cycle was supposed to be “THE” cycle, and for all intensive purposes, it was (from their point of view, anyway.) I’m a little sad that I’ll never meet my DIJ, and I guess there was always part of me that liked knowing his potential siblings were still around and if we donated them to another couple we’d actually may have gotten a glimpse of what DIJ looked like. But back to the letter she is sending- it felt like such a cold, black and white letter, with no emotions or sensitive words there. It’s going to be very basic, you are freed from this responsibility, with perhaps no acknowledgment of how much those little things we are freed from meant to the people these letters are intended for, KWIM?
I know, I know, so many random, scattered emotions, tons of them. When OH WHEN will these run off emotions just end already, so I can be a “normal” person without all this flipping baggage?
I almost thought about calling this post, “I killed my son.” Because, well, I did, right? Sure, it wasn’t on purpose, but every time I ate a piece of bread or had a bagel, I have this image in my mind of a little baby being hurt by an adult, and that baby gets hit or something every time I bite into something with gluten in it. There, that’s how my son was killed. My body punched him to death. WTF is up with these damn images and thoughts still? Why is death SO DAMN HARD.
I found out today that Cornell has a Quality Assurance Committee that meets once a month. They discuss every complaint that comes through, down to if a patient complained that a tech was rude to her one morning. So, DH and I are going to sit down and write these idiiotasshats a Letter. DH wants to explore some other venues as well, but I don’t have the time or energy to do that, so if he wants to, then it’s all him.
I really need to hire a good, reliable babysitter. I’ve had 2 potentials but so far they are a no go. Anyone have any leads?
Solids are going well, the eat pretty quickly at night, which is nice. They both basically sleep through the night, which is awesome. My favorite time of the day is when I go in there to pick them up in the morning or after a nap. Omg could they be any cuter or yummier? It’s like they’ve won the lottery when I pick them up, hold them over my head, and bring them down for a big ol’ fat kiss on their cheeks before we leave the nursery. We all love it! But then I usually end up kissing them a little more and I don’t leave the room juuuuuuuust yet.
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