Waiting In Sunshine

Frustrated and Overwhelmed

I think it's finally hit me. I am starting to feel that "new mom stress." I'm glad it took five months, though! Up until recently, I never felt overwhelmed, I always felt in control, kind of like an "yep, I've got this!" attitude. They ate when they were supposed to, pooped when they were supposed to, gave me smiles and yummies and all three of us had a great time hanging out together all day. But now they need to start solids and the pediatrician wants more of a regular nap/feeding schedule, so I have to wean them off the every four hour bottle and instead replace it with a fruit at a "lunch" time and oat/rice cereal (and a veggie if we want) at a "dinner" time, always chased by a bottle. They used to get their last bottle of the day at 10PM (they had one every four hours), but now they should be in the crib by around 8PM. So I am so anxious about how to do this, and the first few days we did it they both of course woke up at 4AM because they are used to sleeping for a specific amount of time before the 6AM bottle. I suppose I need to wean them slower to this new rhythm. Also- naps. Previously they would both nap in the swings or bouncy seats after eating (or stroller if we are out, or on a playmat if we are at playgroup, wherever. They are fantastic sleepers.) But I want to get them in their cribs for two solid naps a day. Ok, fine, we did that. But invariably Peanut starts screaming and wakes up Princess. They never used to wake each other up, but they are starting to interact with each other (which is adorable, btw), and now they wake each other up. So, that's it- nap time is over. We have a smaller, extra guestroom that I'd like to put one in during nap time, but it's so small that a pak-n-play won't fit so I have no clue what to do.

Also, Peanut migrates when he sleeps. No matter how far down in the crib we put him, he moves up and to the left so his head is touching the crib's bars. He starts screaming and I go in there about twice a night to move him back down. He falls back asleep immediately, but I'd really rather figure something out. Do you think putting the bumper back on is safe? He is swaddled in one of those swaddle velcro thingies so he really can't turn over yet. Again, very frustrating for us (and for him, too.)

I absolutely adore my little doggie, and I can truly say she saved my life during the last hellish five years. But now, it's like between the three of them, someone always needs something at every single moment. I'll go hours without peeing. Yeah, I know, I asked for these problems of course, but it's so hard being responsible for three living creatures all.day.long. Last night was bath night and I hate bath night- it takes about 45 minutes to bathe the twins, and whichever one I am not bathing is screaming in their crib. Then, the dog was disgusting so she needed a bath and I was so exhausted that I brought her into the shower with me, so I bathed four things yesterday (two babies, a dog and myself.) I don't know where I am going with this, but it's so damn exhausting. Just remembering to put her doggie food out in the morning is sometimes too much for me now, and I feel so terrible. I feel like I am ignoring her and I hate that. She was my first baby and I love her so damn much, and I feel awful and guilty for not being able to give her the attention she deserves. (She's fine, I don't think she really cares all that much, but *I* care.)

I'm eating like crap and not working out as much, and I've gained back about 10 pounds. So I feel bad about myself and I am getting frustrated, and at times I look with longing at my friends who have singletons. Honestly, I never thought it would be THAT much harder with twins. But it is. It is so, so, so much harder. I still haven't had anyone help me (except MIL who helps once a week), but we are thinking of getting a babysitter or a mother's helper. (I've made a boatload of other mom friends recently, some at a coffee house, some just walking down the street. It's great, because I can get out of the house or have them come over almost every day if I wanted to. I feel blessed that I have made so many new, great friends. But I see how easy it is with just one baby.) I have also made a ton of twin mother friends from the local moms of multiples group, and they have been a great resource for me.

Some other things- We decided that it's time. We are getting rid of the embryos we have at Cornell that were part of D.I.J.'s cycle. We are donating them to Cornell's human stem cell research program. We just have to get the form notarized, and it's over. I feel ok about it. Sad, but ok.

Another thing- I can't remember if I discussed on here about donating my DE/DS embryos to a fellow couple who got ripped off by the Surrogate Parenting Center of Texas (Merritt Patterson.) They are in the middle of a donor egg cycle, but it's not looking too good, and knowing I have 8 embryos on ice ready for them have given them great comfort. The wife recently asked for the donor sperm profile so they could check it out. It took me 30 minutes of hunting in my attic, but I finally found it. It feel odd re-reading that, knowing how much faith and hope I had in those papers and pictures two years ago. Anyway, I stuck it all in an envelope, addressed it, and sealed it and BOOM. Wow, did I feel a weight lift off me. I even had to take a deep breath. It's done, those embryos will be gone soon. I am thrilled they will be able to help another couple out, and I no longer have to think about them or pay for them anymore. (In case you are counting, we have three sets of embryos frozen: The D.I.J. cycle embryos, the donor egg/donor sperm embryos, and the ones from the successful cycle from the twins.)

So, I guess that's it. Oh, and for some reason Typepad is being a pain in my ass and I can't post pictures right now. (If you ever start a blog, neve use Typepad! I've had a lot of problems with it.)

Champagne Problems

First of all, I just have to put out there how much I hate seeing pictures of me pregnant. It makes me sad, so very very sad. So why would I be looking at them, you ask? Well, a fellow IF vet and now mother of (DE/DS) twins is doing a documentary on what it’s like to experience infertility, and somehow we found each other and I was interviewed. She asked if she could use some of the pictures of me pregnant with DIJ in the film, so I sent her the Kodak gallery link where I have all of them stored. I had scanned in all of my ultrasounds so those pictures are on there, as well as the weekly pics of me holding up what week I was, a few cute ones of DH and I registering at Buy Buy Baby, and a few random ones of us just being US, but I have this beautiful gorgeous perfectly round belly. While I was living it I never thought I had that big of a “pregnancy” belly, the one that you could tell was baby and not fat from across the room. And now looking back at those pictures it almost took my breath away at just how perfect it was, and I was so paranoid about everything that I never appreciated it, or thought it was big/healthy enough. I wish I had just sent her the pictures link and never looked at the pictures, it was awful. As in, bad dreams awful. I just can’t believe how much I still mourn DIJ, how much I mourn the loss of a pregnancy and how much I mourn the loss of ever giving birth. And this is almost two years after we lost him, and the birth of my gorgeous, healthy twins. Well, sadness is sadness, and mourning is mourning. If someone loses a spouse and then gets remarried a few years later, I’m sure that person still gets terribly sad when thinking of their deceased husband or wife, even though they are currently happy.

And now to completely switch things on you- here is my current Champagne problem. People in the stores/out on the street/in the mall- listen up! I DO NOT want to stop and talk to every single damn one of you! At first I would make eye contact with everyone walking down the aisle, almost inviting a conversation and proudly show off the twins, but now I just want to get in, get my Dove soap, my laundry detergent and my box of tampons and then get the hell out before one of them wakes up or starts crying. I found a pair of matching onesies that said “Yes, We Are Twins.” I almost bought them last night, but now I’m thinking of going to CafePress and making my own that say: “1. Yes, we are twins 2. No, we are not identical. 3. No, twins do not run in our family.”

It’s very sweet and nice and all, but while I am online at CVS holding three tampon boxes in my left hand, the stroller with my right hand, and keeping a pacifier in place with one of my knees, do I reaaaaaaally look like the type of person interested in engaging conversation right about now?

See, it’s a Champagne problem!

And, since I am on the Whiner Boat today, here’s another complaint- there is a woman in my twin playgroup who I happen to actually like very much. But somehow every time we meet she is able to find a way to fit in the fact that she has no help, she is the only one around to take care of her aging parents, and her older daughter is starting school next year and she’s worried about a whole new schedule. Yep, I agree that these are all problems, but I just CAN’T feel sorry for someone who has a 5 year old daughter, and then got pregnant with boy/girl twins at the age of freaking 42 on her second round of Clomid! I know it’s not fair to constantly turn everything into a “who had it worst in IF” battle, but right now I am still there mentally sometimes. I’d also hate to have no help with 7 month old twins and a 5 year old, but….I’m sure she’d also hate to have gone through 11 rounds of IVF for no reason. Anyway, this really isn’t making sense, but I know you Vets out there get it. There are a couple of times when I have to bite my tongue at playgroup, usually when the moms talk about how they got pregnant, how their twin pregnancies went, and what kind of birth they had. But when someone gets a fact wrong I always speak up. They all know my story and have read it on IVFC so they know where I’m coming from….

Anyway, the twin’s are just getting more and more fun every day. They laugh and “talk” all the time now, and they are doing some serious teething. They both sleep through the night and we started fruits a few days ago. I’m having a lot of fun planning DH’s first Father’s Day with lots of surprises and homemade gifts. I even did a little photoshoot of the twins (I’m an amateur photographer) in some special outfits that mean something to DH. I’m also still working on some other things. What are you guys doing, if anything?