Frustrated and Overwhelmed

I think it's finally hit me. I am starting to feel that "new mom stress." I'm glad it took five months, though! Up until recently, I never felt overwhelmed, I always felt in control, kind of like an "yep, I've got this!" attitude. They ate when they were supposed to, pooped when they were supposed to, gave me smiles and yummies and all three of us had a great time hanging out together all day. But now they need to start solids and the pediatrician wants more of a regular nap/feeding schedule, so I have to wean them off the every four hour bottle and instead replace it with a fruit at a "lunch" time and oat/rice cereal (and a veggie if we want) at a "dinner" time, always chased by a bottle. They used to get their last bottle of the day at 10PM (they had one every four hours), but now they should be in the crib by around 8PM. So I am so anxious about how to do this, and the first few days we did it they both of course woke up at 4AM because they are used to sleeping for a specific amount of time before the 6AM bottle. I suppose I need to wean them slower to this new rhythm. Also- naps. Previously they would both nap in the swings or bouncy seats after eating (or stroller if we are out, or on a playmat if we are at playgroup, wherever. They are fantastic sleepers.) But I want to get them in their cribs for two solid naps a day. Ok, fine, we did that. But invariably Peanut starts screaming and wakes up Princess. They never used to wake each other up, but they are starting to interact with each other (which is adorable, btw), and now they wake each other up. So, that's it- nap time is over. We have a smaller, extra guestroom that I'd like to put one in during nap time, but it's so small that a pak-n-play won't fit so I have no clue what to do.

Also, Peanut migrates when he sleeps. No matter how far down in the crib we put him, he moves up and to the left so his head is touching the crib's bars. He starts screaming and I go in there about twice a night to move him back down. He falls back asleep immediately, but I'd really rather figure something out. Do you think putting the bumper back on is safe? He is swaddled in one of those swaddle velcro thingies so he really can't turn over yet. Again, very frustrating for us (and for him, too.)

I absolutely adore my little doggie, and I can truly say she saved my life during the last hellish five years. But now, it's like between the three of them, someone always needs something at every single moment. I'll go hours without peeing. Yeah, I know, I asked for these problems of course, but it's so hard being responsible for three living creatures all.day.long. Last night was bath night and I hate bath night- it takes about 45 minutes to bathe the twins, and whichever one I am not bathing is screaming in their crib. Then, the dog was disgusting so she needed a bath and I was so exhausted that I brought her into the shower with me, so I bathed four things yesterday (two babies, a dog and myself.) I don't know where I am going with this, but it's so damn exhausting. Just remembering to put her doggie food out in the morning is sometimes too much for me now, and I feel so terrible. I feel like I am ignoring her and I hate that. She was my first baby and I love her so damn much, and I feel awful and guilty for not being able to give her the attention she deserves. (She's fine, I don't think she really cares all that much, but *I* care.)

I'm eating like crap and not working out as much, and I've gained back about 10 pounds. So I feel bad about myself and I am getting frustrated, and at times I look with longing at my friends who have singletons. Honestly, I never thought it would be THAT much harder with twins. But it is. It is so, so, so much harder. I still haven't had anyone help me (except MIL who helps once a week), but we are thinking of getting a babysitter or a mother's helper. (I've made a boatload of other mom friends recently, some at a coffee house, some just walking down the street. It's great, because I can get out of the house or have them come over almost every day if I wanted to. I feel blessed that I have made so many new, great friends. But I see how easy it is with just one baby.) I have also made a ton of twin mother friends from the local moms of multiples group, and they have been a great resource for me.

Some other things- We decided that it's time. We are getting rid of the embryos we have at Cornell that were part of D.I.J.'s cycle. We are donating them to Cornell's human stem cell research program. We just have to get the form notarized, and it's over. I feel ok about it. Sad, but ok.

Another thing- I can't remember if I discussed on here about donating my DE/DS embryos to a fellow couple who got ripped off by the Surrogate Parenting Center of Texas (Merritt Patterson.) They are in the middle of a donor egg cycle, but it's not looking too good, and knowing I have 8 embryos on ice ready for them have given them great comfort. The wife recently asked for the donor sperm profile so they could check it out. It took me 30 minutes of hunting in my attic, but I finally found it. It feel odd re-reading that, knowing how much faith and hope I had in those papers and pictures two years ago. Anyway, I stuck it all in an envelope, addressed it, and sealed it and BOOM. Wow, did I feel a weight lift off me. I even had to take a deep breath. It's done, those embryos will be gone soon. I am thrilled they will be able to help another couple out, and I no longer have to think about them or pay for them anymore. (In case you are counting, we have three sets of embryos frozen: The D.I.J. cycle embryos, the donor egg/donor sperm embryos, and the ones from the successful cycle from the twins.)

So, I guess that's it. Oh, and for some reason Typepad is being a pain in my ass and I can't post pictures right now. (If you ever start a blog, neve use Typepad! I've had a lot of problems with it.)

Comments

[nygirl]

Twins are 5x harder than singletons (and I had both so I can say this!). It can make you feel like you are losing your mind and your life. We've spoken before about this many times, but I think the hardest thing about IF twins is that you then have guilt for feeling normal and being a little sick and tired of them. Like you should love every last cranky, needy, life is spinning out of control, when do I get 5 minutes to myself moment b/c it took so much effort to get there and weren't you going to love your kids a little more and just appreciate the whole thing a little more than the average folk.. hmmm, not reality I don't think from my experience....my thoughts and I'm sure everyone's are with you. I highly highly recommend getting help on a standard basis a few times a week for a few hours a day. Nobody gets an award at the end of the twin early years marathon: "Never had help for a single day!". :) But, if you get some help, you will come back refreshed and wanting to be with them. Just my .02.

[Chantal]

The first 6 months with my twins were horrible; I was exhausted all the time. I guess all I can say is hang in there, I promise it will get easier soon. Mine are 10 months old now, and they are a lot of fun. They are still alot of work, but it's just different now. But i understand what you are going through. Getting a babysitter, so you can get a couple of hours away from the twins certainly would help. I have cats, and I too felt like I was neglecting them, but they are just doing fine and starting to get closer to the babies. Good luck.

[kate]

It is definitely ridiculouly hard. Just because we asked for this doesn't mean we are any better equippe to handle it than anyone else -- it is a tough tough, thing to be a twin momma. Getting some help is a great idea if it is feasible. A mother's helper a few days a week to help with chores or play with babies while you shower or nap can be a godsend!

It doesn't help that the babies are constantly changing. I feel like, as soon as I finally get "good" at one stage -- they move on and I am left starting over again.

I feel ya: re: puppy dog. I have the same thing, the Nickster saved my life I think, back in those dark days, and what does he get now? Not nearly as much attention as he used to! He's adapting though. At bedtime he snuggles in with us and we have a few minutes of "Dog Time" and that is good for him AND us. I may not have time to play with him during the day but I love that little snuggle before we all pass out!

Keep on keeping on!
xoxoxox

[kate]

Actually, I meant a mother's helper a couple HOURS a week. But days would be nice too! ha!

[MLHB]

Everything you typed I went through with just a singleton so i can't imagine how much harder it is with twins!!!!! HUGS!!!!!!! You do the best you can.

My DD was (currently is) a "busy sleeper". she is all over the crib. We took the bumper down but had to put it back up (when she got older) b/c she kept bumping her head & waking. HUGE difference when we put the bumper up again!

I just talked about this this morning but it's OKAY TO HAVE MOMMY TIME!! Even if it's only 15 minutes. Get some down time to reboot!!!!!!

re embryos: I think what you decided to do is WONDERFUL!!!

re: dog... I finally made the decision for my dog to live with my parents. Thankfully, he's MUCH happier with them. My dad is retired and has a new snuggle buddy. Which is all my dog wanted. I cried forever about it but knowing how much happier his life is now, it makes me feel much better. I HATED being one of "those couples" who give away their dog after a baby comes but it was best for all of us. I'm lucky enough to visit him whenever we want!

[jill]

My daughter is a mover and a stomach sleeper and I found using sleep sacks worked best for me. hth

[Me]

Remember that Pediatricians are still just doctors. And what did 5 years of infertility treatments teach you about doctors? Just sayin'...

[Erica]

Oh man, I remember those days! Tots came home from Guatemala when they were just 4 months old, and they were demanding! It was so hard trying to please them both, all day long. I'd feel overwhelmed and like a failure, and at the same time I loved them so, SO much and it was WHEW! Crazy. It gets easier and easier. When they can crawl, they'll entertain themselves. When they can sit up, ditto. I had a giant superyard (I think that's what they called it) in my living room and put blankets on the floor and we'd roll around there most of the day, when we weren't taking walks & stuff. Propped up a bottle for one while feeding the other, than I'd switch. Then one figured out how to hold her bottle, and feedings got easier. I'm yammering now, but I just wanted to tell you that yeppers, it's hard work! And I agree with "Me" about doctors. My pediatrician told me the main food source until age 1 is formula (or breastmilk) so the solid foods are just for experimenting with - do not stress yourself out if you skip it one day, or they won't eat (my daughter was a control freak and wouldn't eat solids for months- she wanted to do it herself and she couldn't, but she wouldn't let ME spoon feed her!)

[Kay]

My baby is 10 months old--I got Marc Weissbluth's sleep book when she was 6 mos., just the right time to get on track with sleeping. Her natural rhythms seemed to line up with what he was suggesting, so it wasn't hard to get her in sync with a really natural schedule. Everything he says is spot on--zero in on the chapter for the twins' age bracket. By March (5 mos), she was gravitating to a 7:30 pm bedtime, nap through the evening, 11pm nightcap bottle, and waking up at 6:45 on the dot every day. The pedi suggested we drop out the 11pm bottle and she wasn't ready & kept having night wakings, so we resumed waking her for the nightcap until she was nearly 7 mos. old. You don't want to drop feeds too early, or ask them to sleep without help too early b/c they're too young. Now she sleeps 7:30-6:30 every night, and we never had to do the cry it out thing b/c we started early enough. Also--even if they don't have loveys yet, trying feeding them with loveys tucked in one arm now, so when they're allowed to have a lovey in the crib later, they'll have that relationship and the lovey can be a help getting back to sleep at night. (Otherwise, you become the lovey!) THe French Kaloo loveys are huggable and not too much fabric to get draped over a baby's face. Good luck, I don't know how I would have managed with twins!

[Kay]

PS I meant to add--my close friend is a child development/Early Intervention specialist--she has twin girls--and Marc Weissbluth is her guru, both for herself and recommendations to clients