How God Awful It All Was

Being here back at my childhood home has brought back lots of weird memories and sensations from the past five years. It's like I can remember each time I was down visiting while we were in the thick of things, hoping that the next time I came to visit something would have changed. It was always so hard to visit my sister and my nephew, and my dad and I having long talks in the car rides up and down to visit her. And, of course, the big monkey in the room is that this is where I lost DIJ. It was in my parent's guest bedroom that I laid there for an hour searching for his heartbeat on the doppler, and then we eventually went to the emergency room at the hospital I was born in just to make sure all was ok. We all know how that story ended. My brother had been sleeping over that night and my sister and I went in there to wake him up after we got home from the hospital at about 3AM. We shook his feet, said his name and said "wake up, wake up, we need you, we need you." He sat up in the bed and my sister just flat out said, "Sunshine lost the baby. Get up." Obviously he was super confused but then he rallied and was an incredible support for me during the next six hours or so I was still here before getting on a plane to fly back up to New York with my dead baby in my womb. You'd think I wouldn't remember the flight, getting off the plane, meeting DH and his mother at the airport, and then the drive directly to my OB's, but I do. It's a weird memory to look back on.

And now, having been out of the game for five months exactly today, I look back and it's still so fucking weird. I'll get these weird mini flashbacks of being on the phone with a clinic, pushing for an earlier start date, or today I had one when I cornered the donor egg coordinator at Cornell once I decided to go that route. I was sweet talking her, being as nice, friendly and peppy as could be so she would like ME the BEST and hopefully push the process along. She spent a good amount of time with me even though I didn't have an appointment, which made me feel like I accomplished something for that one day, which put me in a better and more hopeful mood for the rest of the day. The only thing I can compare it to is like before I got married and I had a crush on someone, and if I got an email or a phonecall from him I was SO happy the rest of the day, at least for that day or whatever. It was the same thing with IF, if I made contact with a clinic/testing/agency that day, then I felt like something got done and I was maybe one more mini step closer to the goal. But it only lasted for a day or so. And then I had to start all over again once the high wore off. Who can live like this? What type of life is it?

On the topic of looking back, when I think back to when the twin's were born it's amazing how much my feelings, emotions and thoughts have drastically changed from when I first met them. I mean, I had no clue who they were, or come to think of it, what to even do with them!! I loved them, but now it's a ridiculous type of love. Just now my dad was holding Princess so I could go take a shower, and I had to literally pull myself away from her. I just keep leaning over and kissing her little rosy chipmunk cheeks, I just couldn't get over how adorable she was. And, I STILL can not get over that these are my biological children. STILL. I am so, so grateful for this gift, every single day. Don't take that the wrong way- I don't mean that I wouldn't have been grateful if we had a child via DE, DS or adoption. I just mean that I had accepted the fact that I would never have a bio child. It took a year to get to that point, but once I did, I did. And then to do such a turn around from a donor egg/donor sperm/surrogate cycle to what we actually have...talk about a mind fuck. So, every single time someone says to me that Peanut has DH's eyes and Princess has my lips, I just offer up a little prayer of thanks to tell the universe how grateful I am, and that I appreciate every single moment with these two. (One time, even, in the midst of a meltdown, I was holding a screaming, taunt baby and looking straight down into his open mouth and appreciated the fact that his mouth and gums were formed normally, that all looked great, that everything was in working order!) But yeah, when I look back to those first six weeks before I truly began to bond, it's quite an odd feeling. Even when I look at pictures, I have no idea who those babies are.

So, now to discuss my previous post. I want to thank all of you who reached out via comments and emails. It seems like the over riding theme is to stay, and something that every single person wrote was how I keep it real and tell the truth. I'm assuming that most bloggers don't do that, or if they do, they sugar coat it a little bit. I could never do that- what's the point of blogging and trying to help others in the same situation? So, I am happy that you guys all appreciate that and I really don't want to change my M.O. So, the deal is that I'll keep blogging as long as I am true to myself, but if/when I start feeling pressure for expressing my opinions, then I'll stop. Please don't take this as an ultimatom or whatever, I was just getting sick of feeling bad about myself.

So now I want to get back to my delicious babies. I am the LUCKIEST woman in the world that these two chose me to be their mom!

Comments

[Robin]

The Princess and the Pea....so beautiful :)

[Mash]

I completely get what you are saying, it's our human nature I think, we are constantly searching for that feeling that we are one step closer to . My life is like a big work in progress, one step closer to a baby, no more migraines, a nicer bed (we are busy buying) etc. And never that feeling of having arrived. It's a pattern I'm looking to break actually, that addiction to hoping, waiting, holding my breath!