Waiting In Sunshine

I effing hate doctor’s appointments….and I hate listening to birth stories and how people got pregnant, too.

So, I had to go back to the boob doctor for my six month check-up after the cyst/lump was removed. I didn’t even think twice about it; it was purely an errand to cross off my list and something I had to find a babysitter for. Thankfully, the office is very un-doctor like and comfortable, and it was fine. The mamo was fine, no problem. But, then I had to have a boob ultrasound. (Can you guess what is coming next?)

I walked into the ultrasound room and BOOOOOM. I felt like I was in a movie when a person has amnesia and then sees something he recognizes and the director does some interesting camera work, showing a past memory in a foggy lens or something. I may have been back at Cornell, walking into one of the horrid rooms as I am unzipping my pants. It was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E, and completely unexpected.

So, then I laid down on the table and had nothing to do but think as she is doing the ultrasound. I became acutely aware of everything- the familiar humming of the machine, the all too familiar dings and chimes the machine makes as a picture is taken, the sound of the round ball she moved to get measurements (ugh, effing *measurements!!*). I hated the dimmed lights. I hated seeing the GE boxes stored on top of the cabinets. I hated hated hated everything.

And it wasn’t just the flashbacks from the double digit IVF’s. It was flashbacks of pregnancy ultrasounds. And we all know how I feel about that. It was just….horrible. I think this pretty much is a definition of experiencing an episode of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hate when these things crop on me. Thankfully they are much less now (I could barely get out of the house after I lost DIJ where every little thing reminded me of either IF, an IVF cycle or my pregnancies.)

So, I just had to share. Has something similar happened to any of you? What was the situation or circumstance?

The other thing I wanted to talk about was my twin playgroup, which I LOVE. I think the women are fantastic and down to earth. We’re all just making it up as we go along, trying to do our best, and none of us are helicopter, crazy moms. But, invariably when you get a bunch of new moms together you know the same old subjects will come up, namely 1) how did you get pregnant with twins; 2) how was your pregnancy and 3) how was your birth.  Ummmm….crickets chirping over here…

Luckily (is that the right word?), ivfconnections recently published “My Story” in their stories section, so I simply send them the link and they read my whole saga, it makes it a ton easier on me and they also “get it.” But it’s hard for me to be around this sometimes. It doesn’t help that the other four women got pregnant either naturally with twins or (at the most) three rounds of Clomid, and that’s including one woman who is 39 years old. Plus, all but myself and one other have an older child. An effing older child!! Obviously there are a lot of women who are IF in my local Moms Of Multiples club, and I’ve only briefly spoken to a few at the new mom’s tea where I gathered information for another local playgroup. (You can always tell another IFer after I say I did 11 IVFs- it’s all in their reaction and what they say in response.) Yesterday at the playgroup the 37 year old (who got pregnant naturally with twins) was talking about how she had two miscarriages, both at ten weeks. Another of the moms asked how she found out, so the woman started talking a little about it (how she was sobbing in her car, etc.) I got up to get some more food and started humming to myself to try and pretend I was in another space. But it got too much for me so I politely interrupted and said, “I’m sorry, but can we……it’s still too hard to talk/hear about miscarriages for me…”  They immediately got it and we switched topics. But COME ON! I am SO SICK of this shit being in every part of my life! Yes, I absolutely don’t think about it nearly as much (I wouldn’t have the time now, even if I did feel like dwelling) but UGH. I feel like I need to find a playgroup where it’s only twins via IVFs. Who knows, maybe I will…

Anyway, here is the IVFC link to "My Story". I’ve been meaning to post the link here forever but I kept forgetting! Oh, and the president of the M.O.M’s club asked me to write the opening article for the May newsletter!

And of course, here is another picture. Today is their 4 month birthday! They are getting so alert and smiley and I want to eat them up!! Princess even giggles now and then, which is amazing.

http://www.ivfconnections.com/forums/content.php/760-Sunshines-Story-A-23-Year-Medical-Mystery-Finally-Solved

I Wish I Was Pregnant.

Well, my last post was all sunshine and rainbows, so it only serves us right that this next post is a tad bit darker. I don’t wish I was pregnant *right now,* but, I wish I was pregnant. I feel so absolutely deceived and betrayed that I did not get to experience what the majority of the world gets to. I have such deep bouts of sadness and depression every so often that I just have to sit and let it pass. It only lasts a minute or so, but it cuts so sharp and so deep across my entire being.

My pregnancy was dramatically, severely and traumatically ripped from my body, literally. I never got to experience the joy of feeling a baby’s little flutters on a regular basis (I only felt him twice, and for like a mini –second at that.) There are so many “I never’s……” And, I feel so awkward writing this when I have my two amazing and beautiful children sitting next to me as I type this. I can’t even imagine what some of you will think of me after reading this.

But, having said all that, deciding to use Kelly was THE BEST decision of my entire life. She gave me my children!!!! Was I jealous? Well, that’s a weird question. Part of me was, but part of me was so insane about “get me to the finish line, get me to the finish line!” that I really didn’t have the mental energy to sit and really think about that aspect of it. I was just so incredibly GRATEFUL to have met her and have her in my life and have her do this ridiculously amazing thing for me, that I don’t think I really got caught up in my own selfish feelings about pregnancy.

Yet it still creeps up on me.

And- here is some news: My younger sister is 15 weeks pregnant. She was supposed to do IVF for baby #1 (he is three years old) for MF and she is literally that legend you hear about through the grapevine: She was waiting to get AF to start her BCPs and it never came, so she went to the RE for a P4 check to see where she was in her cycle and opps- pregnant! Then, she went back to the RE  last year to see if anything had changed with her or her DH and actually his MF was worse. So, they were gearing up for IVF/ICSI and would you know it  - pregnant again. I know of a LOT of stories through my five years in the trenches, and I’ve never heard of this before. So, her first pregnancy I didn’t talk to her for nine months. It was horrible, and my family felt horrible and everyone was in this horrible, awkward position. But this time, I jumped for joy! I want my twins to have another cousin, and I always wanted my nephew to have another sibling. I talk to her all the time about the pregnancy, I ship her morning sickness pops, all this stuff I couldn’t have dared to do before. I’m ecstatic, elated. And surprisingly, not that jealous. Sure, I get pangs, but I guess because I “get” something out of this pregnancy it doesn’t hurt as much? Whereas some random fertile walking down the street doesn’t do anything for me, she just gets to go and experience her pregnancy and then have a family at the end of 9 months.

In any case, I guess the point is that I am still mourning the loss of having a full pregnancy and giving birth. Having a third baby is on the table for us, but I might be too scared to carry. But I hope and pray that I’ll get over this one day. Well, let me rephrase that: I truly think I am scared for life about this topic, however I believe it will get less severe over time. And once the twin’s get a little older and parents aren’t talking about their pregnancies so much around me, I’ll also feel better.

Ok- off topic- here is another example of Mommy Twin Brain: I had just gotten out of the shower and walked over to the bathroom sink, when I promptly turned around to get back IN the shower, because in my head it make perfect sense that I needed to shower twice, as I do everything twice these days. Then I realized- oh, I’m just one person myself so I don’t need to do this two times! Oy vey, right?

Ok, so I leave you know with the most delicious picture of Princess all dolled up from their party!  I didn’t get as many good ones of Peanut because he was napping through most of it, but this is a cute one of him at the end getting a diaper change. Delish I tell you, DELISH!!!

 

I know, I know, I am a slacker. I won’t say that I’m exhausted, but I’m pretty tired. It should be better now that their party is over, but it’s still so much all of the time. The day after the party I literally slept all day long, just waking up to feed one twin during feeding hours. My whole family was up visiting and they were more than happy to watch the kids for the day. It had been my fourth night in a row of not sleeping, and I was so tapped out after the emotional party that I could barely stand in the shower.

So, Princess is giving me THE MOST ridiculously yummy smiles in the world. Sometimes she sticks her little tongue out when she smiles and I swear to god, I just melt and I want to squish her and give her love bites all over! She is totally pushing off with both feet at the same time if you hold her up right on your tummy or on the couch, and she holds her head up for quite awhile during tummy time. We went to the (new and a ton better) ped today and she weighs 11.8 pounds, holy cow!!! She has these little chubby polkies that I’m obsessed with when I change her diaper. It takes me forever to change their diapers because I keep kissing or nibbling them all over. He weighs 11.3 pounds but is an inch longer than her, and he doesn’t have that rolly polly chubby baby look, he’s more lean and muscular. I’ve read all over that girls are more mature than boys, and that’s clearly the case with the twins. In fact, the ped today said boys on average are a month behind girls, and if they both get sick at the same time, the boy will always be much sicker than the girl. He is only starting to smile and he’ll push off with both feet but not as hard as Princess. She also is doing mini coo-ing sounds, but not him so much. They both have been tracking objects perfectly for weeks. Basically, the ped said “they are beautiful, chunky babies so keep on doing what you’re doing!” yay! They eat between 5 and 6 ounces every four hours, and both sleep through the night. Every so often one will wake up around 4AM or so due to a wet diaper. My newest smartest thing is to actually change them in the crib to keep them as calm and quiet as possible. (Yes, I realize I’m probably not the first person to come up with this, but still!) The trick is to have a burp cloth nearby which you place under their tush in case they pee while you are changing them. Have the diaper and wipe literally right there, and do it as fast yet gently as possible. So far, it’s been great! Oh, and another thing I now do- I always keep two pacifiers in the crib in exactly the same spot. So I know exactly where they are in the middle of the night if I need one. Those things are super hard to find, I swear, they disappear!

Princess has also started teething, if you can believe. About a week ago she started sucking on her wrist or even my wrist if it was close to her mouth. So far she doesn’t seem to be in pain, but happily I received some nice teething toys as gifts at their party.

So, basically every single child at the twins “meet and greet” party were created from A.R.T. (except for my fertile cousins, of course.) One of my friends made a realization- a few years ago four of us went out to dinner on a freezing night in NYC, our own little support group. Fast forward to 2011 and all four of us have boy/girl twins, and three of us from a surrogate! What are the odds.

I’m still plugging away at getting on the Dr. Oz show, and in fact another opportunity just came across my path which I am exploring this week- I’ll keep you updated!!

Another one of my (newish) IF friends sent me an email that one of her friends is looking into DE and wanted my opinion on which agencies to consider and which to stay away from. I love getting inquiries and emails like this, I love that people still come to me for advice. I’m thrilled that whoever this friend is will be contacting a legitimate place with amazing donors (I swear, I should get a fee for all the business I’ve thrown to different agencies and clinics!)

 I think I’ve finally hit Mommy Brain. Three quick examples: I went to grab my Poland Springs bottle of water off the coffee table and it was just about at my mouth before I realized it looked funny- I had grabbed Peanut’s full bottle of formula instead and I didn’t even realize it. Later that week I went to pour myself a glass of iced tea, got out the glass, and started pouring. It wasn’t until seconds later that I realized I just poured the iced tea into my doggie’s food bowl. Opps…. Lastly, I went to grab my chapstick from my purse while stopped at a red light, and instead pulled out a pacifier. It took a few seconds for it to register why my “chapstick” wasn’t doing anything. Man, did I feel like a dope! But freaking hysterical!

I really really want to write “Sunshine’s Favorite Things” so I need to just sit down and write it. And, like I said, I want to hear yours because it’s a great way to share information.

I found this Time article over on another blog and I am posting it here. It discuess a study following thousands of women and how (surprise!) they can still be massively depressed over a miscarriage, even with a healthy new child. It always stays with you. Wish I could have read this article throughout all of these transformative feelings, it woud of helped!

And, here’s a ridiculously cute picture of the twins in their college gear while watching a game. Their personalities show through 100% in this picture- Princess is a happy, smiley giggly puff, and Peanut is my pensive professor, quietly taking the world in. 

Duuuuuuudes; calm yourselves.

I haven’t written a reply not because I am upset or freaking out, I just haven’t had the time (next weekend is the twin’s party and I’ve been busy planning it;  it’s a pretty large event, a big celebration of life.)

One: My children are not sitting in a crib, crying out in hunger and for a human touch. You guys made me out to be a monster of some sort. Trust me, I tried  giving Peanut a bottle at 2AM and he wouldn’t take it, he pushed it away like he does during the day when he is not hungry anymore. And then he went to sleep. As of right now, Princess literally doesn’t make a peep between putting her down after the 10PM feeding and the 6AM feeding, and in fact doesn’t start getting up until around 6:30. Then I go in and she looks up at me and gives me a big ol’ early morning smile.  Peanut fusses somewhere between 1:45 and 3AM, and I go in there, pick him up, rock him, put the constellation turtle back on, change him if he has a wet diaper, etc. Then guess what – he goes to sleep until waking up for the 6AM feeding.

Two: I sing to my children all.day.long. I dance with them around the house all.day.long. I constantly make up silly little rhyming songs and do little jigs with them. We get on the floor and pat the puppy, or look in the baby mirror together, or read a book when they are both sitting next to each other in their bouncys and I can show them the pictures at the same time.

Three: Lots of early motherhood is monotonous. It’s boring. Sorry, it’s the truth, and anyone who tells you differently is showing off. Good- go get the mother of the year award. Anyone who ENJOYS getting up every hour of the night, constantly filling bottles, spending a full seven hours a day feeding and burping a kid is a better person than me, apparently. It does not mean you don’t love your children, it just means what it means- it’s monotonous. That’s it, so don’t read into it, I tell it like it is. That’s one of the problems with words and not speaking, you can’t hear inflection in the voice. I did not call my “helpless newborn son”  (as one of you wrote) a pain in the ass the way you would your mother-in-law. That’s not the way it was meant, it’s the way I write/speak.

Four: As a fellow twin mom wrote to me a few weeks ago: “The dirty secret of motherhood is that while BABIES are frigging adorable, baby CARE is so not. It is just drudgery, 24/7. It is hard, boring and mostly thankless work. Any mom who tells you she loves it all is either lying or delusional. But that is different from loving the babies. Of course you love them. You'd die for them. It is a weird kind of love when they are so small though.” That’s all I’m saying’.

 Five: My babies are fat, happy and semi-bald. They are hitting their milestones as if they were full term babies, which I hear is often unusual for preemies. They are growing like weeks, so obviously we are doing something right.

Six: This is my blog. I’m allowed to complain.

Now; back to our regularly scheduled blogging.