Today is August 15, 2009.

*(Major warning: My 2^nd trimester loss discussed at length. Have tissues nearby if need be.)*

 

Today is August 15, 2009. Today I was supposed to meet D.I.J and become a mother.

 

That’s not to be. He died at 5 months gestation. At first, I as angry at him- how could he DO this to me? How could he cause me so much pain? Then we learned he may have had a genetic abnormality according to the placental pathologist (a CVS would not have picked up on that, as it wasn’t a chromosomal issue.) Then, I felt bad that I was mad at him. More guilt ensued that I blamed him for dying on me, and then the next flood of emotions was the worst of them all: My son died, did he feel pain? Did he know he was dying? Did his heartbeat just slow and then stop, or did it just stop all at once? Was my son in any pain, whatsoever?

 

I will never forget the help I received on the “pregnancy loss” board of IVFC. They were tremendous, these women whom I will never meet in person. They helped me realize that no, he probably wasn’t ever in pain, and in fact, his short time a part of me was probably filled only with love and warmth, hearing my voice, hearing my laughter, and being comforted by the sound of my own heartbeat.  I am choosing to believe this, and to believe he indeed did not feel any pain; that he just went to sleep and never woke up.

 

Of course, I also felt tremendous guilt that he was a part of me, and died, but I didn’t know. What kind of mother was I that my son died, and I didn’t know? Such a terrible feeling.

 

I want to share what we did to commemorate our short time together. We don’t have his remains after the D&E, just some slides with the placenta cells on it. But I felt the urge to do something. I decided to write him a note, telling him how much he was loved and wanted, and how sorry I was that he was a sick baby that had to die. Lance and I went to his father’s gravesite, and I wrapped my note in a piece of a baby blanket I had received as a gift from my sister.  We brought Lance’s gardening tools and we literally dug a small “grave” directly next to his father’s tombstone. We buried the note wrapped in the baby blanket, and then I took a smooth rock and wrote “D.I.J, March 24, 2009” (his birth/death date). I was going to place the rock on top of the hole as a makeshift grave marker, but then decided to bury it with the note.

 

It was extremely cathartic and healing. The two David’s are now “together,” and if need be, I have a physical place to visit if I need to mourn. It was the perfect goodbye to our little son we never got to meet, yet loved so deeply it hurts like a knife right now.

D.I.J- you always be our first child. We love you.

 

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 

 

 

Comments

[Hope]

I have nominated you for a One Lovely Blog Award
I will comment on your post later, I need to find the right words, as you know I have also been through a second trimester loss, for now sending you lots of love.

[Lisa]

How beautiful and comforting to know that your two beloved Davids sleep together throughout eternity. Wishing you comfort and peace and sending much love.

[Iswari]

Sunshine, that was a beautiful tribute. I'm thinking of you with lots of love and wishing you strength to get through this time. I know this won't "go away" and you won't "get over it," but I hope that the passing of the due date will help ease this process for you, even if just a little. I, too, choose to believe that he knew only your love and comfort in his sweet, too-short life. *hugs*

[mic]

Sunshine, what a moving and beautiful post/tribute to D.I.J. Yes, it made me cry.
I'm sending you and Lance love, hugs and strength and peace today and always.

[antonial]

hello poppet,

what a beautiful post on such a sad day. I wish I knew why some babies are so sick. we've just spent a fortnight with friends whose children come out 'wonky' (v. v. autistic, both of them). you may remember that we had to stop the heart of a baby at 12 weeks with an injection bc of a defect. it all sucks. sucks. sucks.

nothing will every make up for your loss, and this will always be a day to be remembered. But David was loved, from birth to death, cared for and caressed. If only we could all say that ... I'm glad you have a particular place to remember him and that he is joined with his namesake. well done you. rituals matter.

much love,

a.

[TC]

(((HUGS))) Everything that I have told you still hold true.. You are the bravest, strongest, loving, giving, compassionate, take charge women I have ever known. D.I.J will remain in a special place in my heart. You have opened my eyes to see what IM's like yourself have gone through to become a mother, and for this I am eternally grateful. It has made me a better GC and person.. I LOVE you.

[Shilpa]

You, Lance, and you son are in my thoughts this weekend. I know what a sad and surreal time this must be for you and my heart aches thinking about it.

[EBH]

Been thinking of you this weekend... I hope with this beautiful tribute to your son, you can begin the healing process and find peace. Now onto what you have to look forward to: this upcoming cycle shall be it! Fingers and toes crossed.

[Mel]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Thinking about you guys and sending peace of heart.

[Mandy]

Hun, I am so sorry. What a beautiful way to remember your son. Sending you love & healing today.

xoxo

[tash]

Remembering your son today with you all. Please know that you're not alone in this journey.

[Michele]

What a beautiful burial ceremony. That is simply breathtaking.

[JuliaKB]

Remembering with you. Remembering, most importantly, that he was and is always loved.

[N]

He was so loved, and that is so obvious in this post.

LFCA

[Aunt Becky]

Sending you love, light and peace. He knew how you loved him, always.

[Suzanne]

You are so special. Tissues, boy do I need them. I think of you all the time. I wish peace for your Davids and for you and Lance. I can only imagine how hard the 15th was for you, dear Sunshine.

[Sasha]

Sunshine, I wish you and Lance the best and some healing time. I am convinced that he knew how much he was loved and wanted by you. I am glad you and Lance have this special place to connect with him.

[Hoping]

Hi Sunshine,
D.I.J knew that you loved him, he knew that you wanted him and he knew that you would have done anything you could to save him. Even in the midst of our absolute fear and terror when we are too scared to even admit/believe that it could end well for us, our babies felt our immenselove for them. D.I.J felt your love above everything and now he is safely with David. We try to put so much guilt on ourselves because we just don't understand why it all went so wrong. We wanted those babies so much that we cannot help but feel why did we not protect them, but we have to understand that sometimes there is no explanation, very bad things happen to good people. The rituals are very important, they help us attain measure of closure. We planted 2 rose trees, when I look at them I remember my 2 precious children.

Sending you love.

[Melissa]

I am so sorry for your loss.