Waiting In Sunshine

I am not wishing you a happy "Thanks"giving.

Know why? Because it’s my blog and I can do whatever the heck I want. But, more specifically, Lance and I very much ignore this holiday because two Thanksgivings ago we had our beta for IVF #6- negative. That’s when it really started to hit home this was NOT going to work. Then, last Thanksving, one year ago today, was our successful embryo transfer with our first attempt with donor eggs at Cornell. It was the most wonderful day- everyone was happy because the staff knew they were leaving early…the only female RE was on that day (she is the newest, hence why she had to work on a holiday) but she was so, so gentle. I’ll never forget her saying, “Ok, they are all yours!!” She was genuinely excited for me. Of course, it worked, and it’s hard to imagine that I was actually pregnant from today allll the way until March 24^th, when my son’s heart quietly stopped beating in my womb. 24 hours later I had a needle put into my arm to pump me fill of medicine to make me unconscious, and my son’s body was violently ripped out of me in many different pieces. The only people who had a chance to view his face, see what he looked like, was the doctor and the two OR nurses. My son died, but this blog was born…not exactly a fair tradeoff, eh? But, so it is.

 

So, you can see why we strongly ignore “thanks”giving. We’ve had three deaths this year, my egg donor ran out and the agency scammed us, we had miscarriage #4 even when it’s not our own DNA, my MIL lives with us, I tallied up all my receipts and we spent $102,589 on medical expenses this past year alone, my sister may need to have her gallbladder out, and I learned last night at 1AM that my brother may have early appendicitis so a surgery may be in store for him as well…we’re just hoping these two surgeries take place before my brother’s wedding in exactly four weeks. My uncle’s death has thrown enough of a wrench into the whole wedding vibe, can we please have something positive to focus in, and KEEP it positive? If they need to have surgery, let’s do it asap so they can be better by then, for crying out loud.

 

However. As superficial as this sounds, the only thing I still feel good about is my weight loss, and knowing I can still walk into any store in the mall and purchase clothes from there (vs having to go to a larger sized store.) Case in point- I went to a doctor earlier this week I hadn’t seen in about 3 months, and I was standing in his waiting room with my side to the door. I had just come back from the gym, so I was wearing sneakers, running shorts, and my brother’s (now very large) fleece, with my hair in a ponytail. The doctor did a doubletake, he said he knew he had an appointment with me, but he thought I was a teenager who had just come back from  a run or something, and he had no clue who I was! Man, I loved it.  I have to find a dress for my brother’s rehearsal dinner (which I am 100% planning now), and I think I found one…cellphone pictures attached. Man, I look smokin’! I had to share with you guys because I am so proud and I don’t want this to be all negative. What do you think? J

 

Lastly, I forgot to tell you that at the dermatologists’ appointment, I told him that when I was pregnant, my cheeks turned dark (the “pregnancy mask”) and I immediately got that dark line that goes straight down from your bellybutton. (It’s the increase in E2 that makes your skin darker while pregnant.) Anyway, I still have these things, and of course, they still haunt and bother me. He gave me a prescription lightening cream to try and speed up the process of them fading. So, I hope it helps. It really really hurts seeing these pregnancy remnants and reminders….

So, I may have sounded perky and upbeat in my last post, but I’m not. So, so not. I actually wrote that post a few weeks ago when the car broke down and had it set to publish automatically while I was out of town visiting my family.  Of course I AM happy my car broke down and I have to get a smaller one, but I am miserable.

 

The old, familiar grips of depression are haunting me. Everything is difficult for me to do these days. On top of that, here are a few updates/more things that annoying:

 

After reeling from the news that the baby was a normal female, Dr. S recommended we test Kelly for Natural Killer antibodies, which, if you believe the theory, is an immune issue where the body perceives a pregnancy as something to attack and not something to nourish. SIRM heavily subscribes to these theories, Cornell does not. I had the entire immune workup done via the Beer Center out in California (natural killer bloodwork, uterine biopsy, DQ Alpha match, etc etc) and all came back fine. K has had 4 previous pregnancies and zero miscarriages (until she met ME!) but apparently it’s possible for one to develop NK’s. So, she trekked down to Dallas and had the blood drawn.  And, of course, it came back positive. Did I get a bum surro? Who knows….The way to treat NK’s is with Intra.lipid infusions. They recently have switched the meds so the patient only has to have 2 infusions (vs one every 2.5 months) and it’s only 1.5 hours, instead of 3. I really wasn’t into this- just transfer to me at this point. But K is already on Lup.ron, we have a tentative ET date for mid-December, and frankly, I don’t want to deal with it. (There is NO way I would match with another – third – GC. The “getting to know you” phase is too emotionally taxing for me, another flight to another state to meet her and her family would be too much.) Kelly is so great, when I asked her to get the b/w done she researched intra.lipids and knew all about it so was prepared to say “yes” when I told her the results. She said she didn’t want to put any of us through what we all just went through again without doing everything possible. So, she’s doing the intra.lipds ($700 each time, btw.) God forbid it doesn’t work or she miscarries again in the same manner then we’ll use me for the rest of the FET’s. What do you guys think about that plan?

 

So, I ovulated three days ago. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk or lay down. This happens like clockwork, month after month, and always on my left side. I haven’t gone to see a gyn because well, the last thing I need to do is walk into an ob/gyn’s office. I don’t even HAVE a gyn because I’ve been seeing RE’s for four years. I came home two nights ago and the pain was excruciating. I took a shower to try and help it, and I had a PTSD flashback from my  20 week loss in March while in the shower. Sometimes, pain in my ovary/uterine area triggers these flashbacks- I am SO over having pain in my pelvic area. I’ve had more pain there than most women do in their lifetimes. And having to basically go through labor pains with no baby at the end really did me in. Anyway, I could barely talk when I got out of the shower, just tears and hiccups. DH looked at me and said- enough is enough. Go to a doctor, get your ovary looked at already, make sure it isn’t something more than what you think it is! So the next morning I called my last RE, an RE at Columbia where I went for an IUI in July (I don’t think I ever discussed that here, but yep, we did an injectible IUI in July that yielded 6 follicles, only problem was that the 3 mature one were on the left side, the side with no tube. Such a waste. Big fat waste.) He wouldn’t see me, he suggested an ob/gyn in his building. She couldn’t see me until January 15^th. I debated going to the ER just so I could get a damn ultrasound to see what the heck was going on. Then I remember my GP’s office had an ob/gyn section so I had DH call, I couldn’t deal anymore. Somehow he got me an appointment and I was there for 3 hours. I liked the gyn, he is an older fellow and only does gym now (but the rest of the practice still does OB. Luckily, somehow I didn’t see ONE god awful pregnant lady/couple in the waiting room.) He and the nurse just kept shaking their head as I told my history, as well as my assumption of what was going on. So there I was, back in the stirrups again, had a manual pelvic AND rectal exam and then went and had a wanding. Nice to see the ovaries and ute up there on the screen, it had been awhile! (Note sarcasm.) Anyway, I was right. Big follicle on my left side that I ovulated, which means I keep ovulating on the left side since the loss- the side with no tube so a miraculous-do-it-yourself-at-home-pregnancy can’t even happen for us. Really? WTF?

 

The only way to stop this cycle of a large cyst/follicle bursting each month and causing me all this pain is to…drumroll please…go on the birth control pill for a few months. Obviously, I really am in no way mentally to take those little pills each day. No EFFING way. I’d rather suck it up, deal with the physical pain and take the chance of having more PTSD issues/flashbacks. Maaaaaybe I’ll go on the pill for a few months if things go well with Kelly, but not now.

 

Lastly, today I went to the dermatologist for my annual skin check. For as long as I could remember, I had this tiny white dot on my right nipple, it kind of looked like a whitehead, but wasn’t. When I was pregnant and my nipples turned super dark, this white dot also turned very dark. Finally, my nips are starting to return to their normal color, but this dot thing is still very dark. Every time I see it I get upset. Very upset. It reminds of being pregnant, losing the baby, and of DIJ. It’s the smallest, tiniest thing you’ve ever seen, but it’s huge to me, emotionally.  I can’t stand it. I’ve tried ripping it off. Didn’t work. I asked the doctor to remove it, even with a chance of a scar, and thankfully, he said yes! He removed it today. Getting a needle in my areola didn’t even phase me- he was preparing me for it, telling me to try not to move when he does the injection, etc. I told him- seriously, if I can handle seven uterine biopsies with zero anesthetic injection or pain medication, as well as an IVF retrieval with no anesthesia (at New Hope), or how about anything I've been through in the last four years- I can handle this. And I did. And it’s GONE.

 

 

Finally, a bit of (non-IF) luck!

My car broke down! My car broke down!! It even had to be towed while I waited on the side of the road with no heat, freezing, hungry and having to change my tampon!!

Oh Happy Day! It’s so broken that we need to get a new one. In fact, this car is a real lemon- it’s been in the shop 6 times since we leased it about two and a half years ago, so that’s about every 4 to 5 months. We had assumed our lease warranty had run out, but lo and behold, everything is covered up to 50,000 miles (we got a pre-owned car.) The car is literally at 49,6000 miles. We were this close to going over the warranty and having to pay for it out of pocket. But because we didn’t, as we were sitting there at the shop/dealership, we brought up the idea of trading in this car for a smaller car, and they worked it out for us. In two weeks, I will have a lovely sedan in the smallest model they make!

We couldn’t believe our luck. We walked away thinking- well, maybe our luck will finally change. This could have been a HUGE expense for us, but instead, it was a zero expense, plus we are getting a smaller car. It’s a win/win situation. Project “Reverse American Dream” has begun. It’s starting! Truly, this is the happiest I’ve been in two years!!!!

 

Man, most people are beyond pissed when they see this scene unfolding. But this was the luckiest day for us!

Karotype results are in.

Normal female.

That's all I have to say, isn't it? You guys already know what's going on in my head.

Hey, I'm AWESOME, guys!! Know why?!

Well, for the 46^th month in a row, I failed to get pregnant (well, besides those 4 times I got pregnant via IVF, but we all know how those stories ended.) So, yep, I’m a Big Fat Failure. Why do we even bother trying? It’s such a JOKE at this point. I’ve never ever ever worked or tried so hard at something to continuously fail, fail, fail.

 

Let’s see, I worked my ass off in high school so I could attend an excellent college- CHECK. I practiced my dancing and athletic skills so I could make the cheerleading squad 5 years in a row- CHECK. I worked my ass off in college so I could attend an excellent graduate school program- CHECK. I think Harvard counts as a good graduate school. (Stupid Harvard. Look where it’s gotten me now- NOWHERE, is where.) I made connections, did well, etc etc so I could get a good job, have a career, and fulfill my (literally) life-long dream of working at a major metropolitan museum- CHECK, CHECK. I got my effing DREAM job by the age of 30. How many people can even say that?? I wanted to get in shape, get muscular, bench press a certain number, be a certain size- CHECK.

 

But this- this I can’t do.

 

I was telling Lance that my goals are just so, so simple now. I want to lay on the floor and play blocks with a baby. That’s it. That’s it.

 

I don’t want to be director of the Metropolitan Museum of Art anymore. I don’t want to CEO of Pfizer. I don’t want to a Senator. I don’t want to be President of the United States.

 

All I want, all I am asking for, is to simply play blocks on the floor with a baby, and hear a baby giggle. I could care less what kind of house that floor is in. I don’t want this big fancy house I live in. It’s cold and empty and full of horrific memories and I want OUT. I want a small town-house.

 

I don’t want this big fancy German-made SUV car. It’s cold, empty and it’s just me driving in it, and when I look in the back seat I see what should be carseats, but inside I just see air.

 

For god’s sake, I have the American dream, and HA, I don’t want it. I don’t want to drive up into my driveway in my fancy car in this fancy house we own. I don’t want ANY of it. But I have it. And as my husband so politely put it the other night when we we discussing the in-your-face irony of this situation, “Sunshine- you’re stuck.”

 

We can’t move because of the economy right now (and I so desperately want to move and get out of this house and move back down south to at least be with my family, as I am so very very alone in NY. I have nothing here. Nothing.)

 

We are trying to get out of the SUV’s lease and down-size to a smaller car, but the car companies apparently don’t like it when you do that. They like it when you go the other way.

 

So, we’re in a house in the suburbs with families all around us and I drive a family car, and I don’t have a family, and we got all of these things expecting to have a family, but we don’t, and well, I’m stuck.

 

And that’s just the way it is right now.

 

I still feel the same way as my last post. I’m just not fighting anymore. I have given up- I’ve surrendered, and there is relief in part of that. It’s like a balloon that has been popped, but I can try and relax a bit more now.

 

I have decided to look at baby stores the way I do sports stores- I know they exist, but I never have any need to go in them. I don’t play sports, therefore I don’t ever need to purchase anything from those stores. I see them while driving and don’t have any feelings one way or another towards them. Same way when I drive by Babies R Us or BuyBuyBaby- I know they exist, but I have no need for them, nor will I ever. They are just……there.

 

And that, my friends, is where I am today.

I think today may be worse than yesterday....

Yesterday was the funeral, but I think today is actually worse than yesterday. It’s really starting to sink in. The service at the funeral home was unbelievable- standing room only, over 250 people. The funeral director said they’ve had political people’s services there and the turnout wasn’t as large. I think some of it as has to do with the fact that he was so young, and also his three kids (one of which is MY age) had their friends there as well. Since my mom can’t travel but really wanted to be a part of it, I called her on my cell and simply held the phone up, and somehow she was actually able to hear the entire service. She texted me later that she felt at peace, as if she was there. The cemetery was horrific; in our tradition we take turns actually shoveling some of the dirt, so we all get a chance to personally put earth over our loved one. It’s actually a beautiful tradition, but man, the sound of the “thump, thump” of that dirt hitting the wooden casket….My brother, husband, dad and I stayed to the very end with a few of my uncle’s close male friends who shoveled the dirt entirely to the top. One of the men is very observant and I overheard him say that whenever he attends a funeral, he is one of the men who "finishes the job," if you will, since so many Jewish people never even had  a grave during the Holocaust, that we honor as much as we can now that we have that availability.

 

I woke up today and it felt like a 10lb weight on my chest. Starting to sink in. I hated HATED being in the house after the service. I saw a bunch of family members I haven’t seen in awhile and it was like the same script over and over again- they would gently walk up to me, put a hand on my shoulder, calk their head to the side and quietly ask, “So, how are things going for you?” I would always answer the same (I don’t sugarcoat anything, as you know,) “Terrible; we had another miscarriage three weeks ago via my surrogate.” They are so sweet and do mean SO well but the end result was always the same; eyes aghast at our continuous struggle, mouth open, head slowly shaking back and forth, murmurs of “I just can’t believe it, I really just can’t believe it. I just don’t understand. And the doctors REALLY can’t find anything wrong?????”  That conversation is getting a little old.

 

One of my good non-IF friends (who reads this blog) emailed me that she just can’t write one more “I’m so sorry Sunshine” comment. I’m so with her. Why do you guys even read me?

 

Ok, last topic - the S.P.C.T issue. So, the credit card company denied my billing dispute request for the $3,500. They said they are extremely sorry this happened to me and they absolutely agree that my money should be returned and it’s unethical what they did to me, but I need to find “other means of retribution.” So…..I am. (Btw, SP.CT was notified that I filed a billing dispute, which I like.) While my uncle was sick and we were taking care of him we had nothing but time to talk, and one of my (other) uncles happens to be a pretty important state senator, so I asked him for advice. He gave me some. Part of his advice was to speak to one of our cousins who lives in Dallas and is kind of a bigshot. I won’t say more here, but he’s a pretty big deal. I had thought about calling him but I’m never one to ask for help. Anyway, I called him the other day, and he was thrilled to hear from me and he’s ON IT. Within the day I had a name of a certain type of person that may help me and he’s still working on it. And it’s not even about the money anymore- this is a MORAL and ETHICAL issue, and I do NOT want this happening to another vulnerable couple. If they won’t return my funds, at least I can perhaps “shame” them a bit.

 

I see I have about 5 blog readers in Texas;  a few in Dallas and a few in Houston. I wonder who you are- are you fellow IVFers? Is my story helping you? Are you SP.CT who somehow found my blog and are reading it? I cant help but be curious  when I see “DALLAs, TEXAS” come up in my info. (Hey, if you feel like it, give me a shout out via waitinginsunshine@gmail.comso I know you aren’t the “agency!” You can do it anonymously of course; I’m just incredibly curious.)

 

Lastly, we were away for Halloween for the funeral, so I left a big bowl of candy on our front porch with a homemade sign that said “Please Take Two!!” (Even if we didn’t have the funeral, we would have done that. Yeah, the idea of kids and little newborns in their cute little peapod costumes actually coming to the front door of my one safe space in this world (MY HOUSE) was just not going to happen.) We came home last night and not only is there no candy left, but the bowl is gone as well. Freaking animals.

Rest In Peace, my dear Uncle L

Uncle L passed away in his sleep this morning after a brave fight with lung cancer that spread to his brain and spine. He was only 69 years old.

I love you, Uncle L. You are missed SO much already, by SO many people, it's incredible.

2009 sucked. DIJ died, my first child. My GC lost the baby she was carrying as well. My uncle died. My dad had prostate cancer. My father-in-law died. My mother-in-law moved in with me. My sister's back issue got worse and she can't work anymore. I lost my job. We're in double digit IVFs. Fuck.me.

Here's a non IF-releated post for your Monday morn

#(&FUCK*#%!&#*

YOU

CANCER.

 

Love,

Sunshine

Well, Kelly’s D&C follow-up appointment was two days ago, and all looked well. Her beta level went all the way down to 24, so AF should show up in a few weeks, according to her OB. Then she begins BCPs and the whole rigamoral begins again.

 

This will be IVF transfer #10.

 

TEN.

 

(Thanks for all of the comments on that last blog post. How awesome was that, right?)

I'm One Lucky Bastard.

Yeah, I know, odd title for someone who's been through/is currently going through what I am...

But, after spending the weekend with a person I love literally dying right in from of me, I am lucky because:

I am alive.

I am healthy.

My problem, at some point or another, in some form or another, is "fixable."

I have a wonderful, supportive family who has never let me fall. As I get older, I realize how unique, rare and what a gift that is.

I am still married to a man who actually IS really terrific, and somehow this last miscarriage pulled us closer together, so right now things are good and I'm feeling that we'll for sure weather this IF shitstorm.

I still have some pre-IF friends who actually still care about me and call me and actually want to hear about this. If I was them, I wouldn't want to be my friend. For some reason, they still stick around.

The women I have met through IF are freaking amazing people. I'm talking- amazing. You guys know who you are, and I am thankful for you.

I'm able to get up every day on my own two legs, have all my cognitive abilities, am able to hold a job that requires people/personality skills, and I do that well.

I have Kelly, and she's in my corner, and it's nice to share this burden with someone else. I feel stronger today and I just feel like at least one of those 10 frozens is a good one. I just hope we find it on transfer #2 and not transfer #6/IVF #16.

So, dear friends inside the computer- tell me something non-kid related that YOU feel lucky about......Feel free to post anon, of course!

Hi. Still here. Still trying to deal. My focus has shifted a bit to my uncle. My dad came up to visit and we spent the weekend with him, and it was…terrible. I had to keep going into the bathroom to breakdown privately. He has about 4 to 6 weeks left, and seeing him like this, this vibrant man, is just too much for me sometimes.

 

It’s so much sadness. I keep asking the universe, when do the GOOD things start happening?

 

Kelly has an OB follow-up on Thursday. No clue what they will do there except take a beta level. Let’s hope it’s gone down a whole lot. I fucking hate this waiting.

 

I’m going away to visit my family for a few days. I need to see them.

**Mute**

(But- I wanted to tell you that I received the $5,500 donor comp that the  Surr.ogate Parent.ing Cen.ter of Tex.as owed me. Finally. After much back and forth, threat of litigation, and them telling me the “check was in the mail,” we demanded they cancel the first check and overnight a new one. Amazingly, they did. We have yet to even get the first check, we believe they never sent it.

Please- if anyone reading this is in the Texas area and considering either using an egg donor, a surrogate, or becoming a surrogate, stay far far away from this “agency.” Don’t let what happened to me happen to you. They still have $3,500 of my money for an “agency fee” (which we are going after, but I’ll discuss that later.) Additionally, Kelly randomly happens to know a few other surrogates in her neighborhood who went through SPCT. She’s told me some scary stories and in my opinion, those surrogate are not being surrogates for what I believe are the right reasons. This is not slander – this is just pure fact, plain and simple, and I have pages upon pages of proof.)

It's over.

K started bleeding this morning and passing clots. She went right to the OB and the scan saw the sac had collapsed. No heartbeat.  The end…

Ok.

 

So, in terms of what to do with the 2 crap ass Cornell frosties- When I showed Lance the bill with the bright red “CORNELL” written across the top, he had a visceral reaction to it. Before I even finished my question he bellowed, “GET.RID.OF.THEM.” It wasn’t even a discussion. I heartily agree. Those two frozens are full of crap, in my honest opinion. Without speaking about it out loud, I feel we both have come to the conclusion that it’s been his DNA all the time. He is going through the beginnings of IF all over again- I can see it working in his mind. He’s replaying the last 4 years, 4 IUIs, 8 IVFs and 3 losses in his brain, looking at it through a different lens, now assuming all of this is due to him. It’s hard, especially knowing the physical toll it’s had on me, and that, well, frankly, it just didn’t have to be so damn hard. I think this is one of the reasons he is so ok with me wanting to change my body with plastic surgery to completely erase all signs of pregnancy, as all it does is remind me of the boy we lost. 

 

Also, assuming things work out with Kelly, we want a full bio-sibling, thus we would try with the 10 frozens first before trying anything before that, including using my own eggs.

 

In any case, I thank you guys for replying, and I did email Spandie for his opinion. No word from him yet, but will let you know what he says. I won’t do anything just yet.

 

Next up- Refund check from SPCT. Update: NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. On September 21^st, she emailed me that literally, “the check was in the mail.” From what planet, may I ask?? I emailed her exactly 14 days later inquiring, she wrote back in her typical way where she only answered 1 out of the 3 questions I asked and said the check was sent to the address Lance provided, which was his office she thought. Lance would never give his office address. We are FED UP. Lawyers are now involved and I have written 3 posts over on IVFC warning potential couples interested in both egg donation and surrogacy (they do both- gasp- can you IMAGINE using one of their surros??) to please stay away from this “agency.” I will also post on other sites soon.

 

Last- I was actually feeling a bit cocky yesterday. I was sitting in the sun, reading, feeling good, actually letting myself imagine what May, 2010 could actually look like. Kelly and I were having some cute texts about all the donuts and cereal she was eating, etc. Ah, should have known- right? My cell rings a few hours later and it was her- que stomach dropping. She was great though, she just came out and told me- she had been having some light spotting and cramping, she called Dr. S, they told her to come in, they did a scan, and all was fine and this time they were able to hear the heartbeat. So, I didn’t know what to say-  I was upset to hear she had been fucking BLEEDING and CRAMPING but then I was floored to hear her say that they were able to HEAR THE HEARTBEAT! So, I was like- is this good or is this bad? She’s like, it’s good! The bleeding is most likely from the vaginal progesterone suppositories she is still on twice a day, and I know from being on IVFC for so long that this happens often. And thrilled, thrilled to know they could hear the HB. Kelly could tell that the “blob” looked a lot bigger from last week.

 

It’s still measuring exactly 5 days behind, but at least it’s consistent in its measurement. I’m going to try not to worry about that, as I know this happens and then all of a sudden it just catches up and it’s fine.

 

I texted Kelly this morning to check in on her and she said she had some brownish spotting but it was when she took the applicator out after doing the morning dosage, so I’m feeling pretty confident that the bleeding is from that. (Just hard, as I don’t feel a uterus should be cramping when there is something INSIDE it, right?)

 

So there we are for now….

October 14th and a question for you....

Ok, well, here we are. THANK YOU guys for ALL your support and cheering on!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Maybe, hopefully, soon I'll actually be able to email and even (gasp) TALK to you soon. Like, for reals.

 

Kelly’s first OB appointment is October 14^th. It’s weird, but all of a sudden that actually feels really soon to me. Who knows, maybe I like this whole not knowing thing, which is VERY VERY unlike me. I just know how I’ll feel when I wake up on the 14^th, and I am kind of over the whole I’m-so-nervous-that-I’m-literally-shaking thing.

 

Anyway, my uncle’s test results are still coming back pretty poor. Looks like the cancer has spread to places we don’t want it to spread. My family is hurting. I’m hurting.

 

Ok, here is my question:  We have two frozen embryos at Cornell that were created on the cycle that I got pregnant with DIJ. It’s an egg donor and  DH’s sperm. That cycle yielded  four blasts- two transferred to me, two frozen. After we lost DIJ, Span.dorfer obviously advised us not to do the FET and not use those two frozens, as at that point all signs pointed to Lance’s DNA being the potential problem for us (remember, we are 100% unexplained.) Thus, we went the route we did. I keep forgetting about those two blasts except every few months I get a $250 bill from Cornell for the storage fee; I think it’s a little over $1,000 a year. Last night I showed it to Lance and said, what should I do with this? He had a definite answer, but before I tell you what he thought, I want YOUR opinion. So, in your expert opinion, what should we do with those frozens? I really can’t see us ever using them, especially because we have ten frozens from this past cycle, and after losing a 5 month pregnancy on that cycle, who the hell knows what’s going on in there. So, do we keep them or get rid of them? (By “getting rid of” I mean donating for stem cell research, not destroying or discarding. )

 

Thoughts?