Know why? Because it’s my blog and I can do whatever the heck I want. But, more specifically, Lance and I very much ignore this holiday because two Thanksgivings ago we had our beta for IVF #6- negative. That’s when it really started to hit home this was NOT going to work. Then, last Thanksving, one year ago today, was our successful embryo transfer with our first attempt with donor eggs at Cornell. It was the most wonderful day- everyone was happy because the staff knew they were leaving early…the only female RE was on that day (she is the newest, hence why she had to work on a holiday) but she was so, so gentle. I’ll never forget her saying, “Ok, they are all yours!!” She was genuinely excited for me. Of course, it worked, and it’s hard to imagine that I was actually pregnant from today allll the way until March 24th, when my son’s heart quietly stopped beating in my womb. 24 hours later I had a needle put into my arm to pump me fill of medicine to make me unconscious, and my son’s body was violently ripped out of me in many different pieces. The only people who had a chance to view his face, see what he looked like, was the doctor and the two OR nurses. My son died, but this blog was born…not exactly a fair tradeoff, eh? But, so it is.
So, you can see why we strongly ignore “thanks”giving. We’ve had three deaths this year, my egg donor ran out and the agency scammed us, we had miscarriage #4 even when it’s not our own DNA, my MIL lives with us, I tallied up all my receipts and we spent $102,589 on medical expenses this past year alone, my sister may need to have her gallbladder out, and I learned last night at 1AM that my brother may have early appendicitis so a surgery may be in store for him as well…we’re just hoping these two surgeries take place before my brother’s wedding in exactly four weeks. My uncle’s death has thrown enough of a wrench into the whole wedding vibe, can we please have something positive to focus in, and KEEP it positive? If they need to have surgery, let’s do it asap so they can be better by then, for crying out loud.
However. As superficial as this sounds, the only thing I still feel good about is my weight loss, and knowing I can still walk into any store in the mall and purchase clothes from there (vs having to go to a larger sized store.) Case in point- I went to a doctor earlier this week I hadn’t seen in about 3 months, and I was standing in his waiting room with my side to the door. I had just come back from the gym, so I was wearing sneakers, running shorts, and my brother’s (now very large) fleece, with my hair in a ponytail. The doctor did a doubletake, he said he knew he had an appointment with me, but he thought I was a teenager who had just come back from a run or something, and he had no clue who I was! Man, I loved it. I have to find a dress for my brother’s rehearsal dinner (which I am 100% planning now), and I think I found one…cellphone pictures attached. Man, I look smokin’! I had to share with you guys because I am so proud and I don’t want this to be all negative. What do you think? J
Lastly, I forgot to tell you that at the dermatologists’ appointment, I told him that when I was pregnant, my cheeks turned dark (the “pregnancy mask”) and I immediately got that dark line that goes straight down from your bellybutton. (It’s the increase in E2 that makes your skin darker while pregnant.) Anyway, I still have these things, and of course, they still haunt and bother me. He gave me a prescription lightening cream to try and speed up the process of them fading. So, I hope it helps. It really really hurts seeing these pregnancy remnants and reminders….